Accurate Wish Lists

Not knowing what to buy for people is the worst. I’ve inflicted this horror on too many people, for too long, in the name of modesty and humility…

Oh me?
Don’t worry about me!
I don’t even know what I want!
I have everything I need!
Any gift is a good gift if it comes from the heart!
Just make a donation to a charity in my name! 

All of these things are true; I generally don’t know what I want in life, I really do have everything I NEED, I appreciate any and all gifts (even gift cards, which are the pumpkin spice latte of gifts) and donating to charity is a really great way to deflect all of this materialistic attention and allow people to feel good, get a little tax break, AND knock your name off their list.

But not this year, bitches.

This year, I channeled all my early-90s-childhood-energy into curating a Christmas and/or birthday wish list (I was born 3 weeks after Christmas, just TRY giving me a 2-in-1 gift, I dare you) and sent it to my friends and family. I even used Amazon Wish List, which is basically like making a wedding registry for people who have no reason to be making a wedding registry. I left a few things off, though; abstract or absurd items that don’t exist (but should), requests that reveal the true nature of my sad little humanity, and so on.

But you get all of me, internet. Here are the secret, unfulfilled desires of my heart:

– A yoga mat that smells like pizza.
– A full-length feature documentary of Solange’s wedding.
– A no-consequence, no-judgement, no-questions-asked “raincheck” coupon for any social event or gathering in 2015 of my choosing.
– Two kittens who are best friends.
– A book of poetry from Jaden and Willow Smith.
– A wind machine.
– 500 doughnuts for my “The Simpsons: Tapped Out” account so I can buy premium items.
– The power to make Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa get back together.
– A tour of all the real life Harry Potter landmarks in England.

And last but not least, this picture of Lisa Simpson on a customized iPhone 5c case:



Give Thanks

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving.

That’s right Americans, you’re not the only ones. We get a day off work to celebrate the colonial conquering of land belonging to the indigenous First Nations’ population too. SAY SOMETHING.

Well, sort of. There’s a lot of debate on what Canadian Thanksgiving was originally created to celebrate. Apparently, Lower Canada and Upper Canada used to observe it on different dates to celebrate different things. Even after Canada became one big ole nation, Thanksgiving was celebrated on different dates for different reasons. And then in 1957, the government was all like HEAR YE, MOTHERFUCKERS. Let’s just do this thing on the second Monday of every October, okay?! Okay. And here we are.

Now that I’ve blessed you with that infallible history lesson, here’s a list of things I’m thankful for today:

  • Summer being over. The heat is nice, but that humidity can get the entire fuck outta my face. Do you know what it’s like to wake up with a sweat mustache? Because I do.
  • The first frantic, feverish, unforgettable stages of infatuation.
  • Literally everything that is going on in this music video.
  • Air travel. We can fly through the sky, you guys. And a lot of people died trying to make that happen for us. Give thanks.
  • Frank Ocean.
  • Taking off your bra at the end of the day. Or basically whenever.
  • The faces people make when they play instruments.
  • Letting go of someone you’ve been holding on to for way too long. (WARNING: RANT COMING. INSTRUCTIONS: DEAL WITH IT.) You cannot change people into who you think they should be. Even if you’re trying to help them turn into a version of themselves you believe they deserve and have the ability to become, that is not your call to make nor your evolution to inspire. Especially not at the cost of your own emotional well being. In the words of one of my wisest friends, you are not virgin soil for their training wheels. And in the words of ME, do not sacrifice your emotional intelligence and waste it on someone who simply needs to develop their own.
  • Going pee, when you really need to pee.
  • Radiolab podcasts.
  • Whiskey. Except for when it makes me emotional.
  • The smell of an old book.
  • Wrapping your hands around a warm drink on a cold day. And by drink I mean dick. JUST KIDDING. Not kidding though, those things are always warm.
  • Going HAM in a fantasy sports league of any type when you have a vagina. I know that both K. and I have experience with this and let me tell you… there is no sweeter satisfaction.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an important date with my 4th bottle of beer and this pot of miso mushroom gravy. What are you thankful for, bruh?