Accurate Things

Accurate Greeting Cards

Congratulations…

– on wearing the same shirt twice in one week without anyone noticing
– on making the right colour choice for your manicure even though you were really, really torn between two
– on having a kid by mistake but making it look like it was on purpose
– on getting through the last season of Dexter and still being willing to watch TV

Thank you…

– for not needing to hear from me every day to know that we are still friends
– for pretending to be my boyfriend in the club
– for not judging me when I cry watching people get surprised
– for not using ringtones anymore

Condolences…

– on your 6th shattered iPhone screen
– on deciding to do a juice cleanse
– on the malignant tumor you self-diagnosed yourself with after browsing the internet for 20 minutes
– on not liking your new bangs

Love always,
S.

 

 

Accurate Wish Lists

Not knowing what to buy for people is the worst. I’ve inflicted this horror on too many people, for too long, in the name of modesty and humility…

Oh me?
Don’t worry about me!
I don’t even know what I want!
I have everything I need!
Any gift is a good gift if it comes from the heart!
Just make a donation to a charity in my name! 

All of these things are true; I generally don’t know what I want in life, I really do have everything I NEED, I appreciate any and all gifts (even gift cards, which are the pumpkin spice latte of gifts) and donating to charity is a really great way to deflect all of this materialistic attention and allow people to feel good, get a little tax break, AND knock your name off their list.

But not this year, bitches.

This year, I channeled all my early-90s-childhood-energy into curating a Christmas and/or birthday wish list (I was born 3 weeks after Christmas, just TRY giving me a 2-in-1 gift, I dare you) and sent it to my friends and family. I even used Amazon Wish List, which is basically like making a wedding registry for people who have no reason to be making a wedding registry. I left a few things off, though; abstract or absurd items that don’t exist (but should), requests that reveal the true nature of my sad little humanity, and so on.

But you get all of me, internet. Here are the secret, unfulfilled desires of my heart:

– A yoga mat that smells like pizza.
– A full-length feature documentary of Solange’s wedding.
– A no-consequence, no-judgement, no-questions-asked “raincheck” coupon for any social event or gathering in 2015 of my choosing.
– Two kittens who are best friends.
– A book of poetry from Jaden and Willow Smith.
– A wind machine.
– 500 doughnuts for my “The Simpsons: Tapped Out” account so I can buy premium items.
– The power to make Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa get back together.
– A tour of all the real life Harry Potter landmarks in England.

And last but not least, this picture of Lisa Simpson on a customized iPhone 5c case:

lisa_simpson_rebelde-1502

S.