To the Honourable Lawmaker and Regulator of Office-Appropriate Food and Beverage Choices and Actions, Esquire.
We, the Union of Diligent Office Workers with Normal, Socially Acceptable Behaviour Patterns, send you this petition to ban the following from offices worldwide:
- Chewing gum at any audible level other than DEAD SILENT
- Regaling co-workers with details of the ~cRaZy~ dream you had last night
- Interrupting people by waving your hand in their face while they have headphones on
- Leaving pee on the toilet seat (Note: Joint proposal, in collaboration with Petition #852C5 – “Petition for Things to Be Banned Everywhere, You Savages”)
- Eating any of the following foods outside of a common area intended for food consumption: Fish, apples, carrots, celery, kettle chips, hard boiled eggs, et al.
- Taking personal phone calls in your open-concept office and whispering at that annoying level where we can hear every other word of your stupidity
- Talking about your family/boyfriend/girlfriend/best friend drama to anybody, at any time
- Adding people on an email trail who don’t need to be on the email trail
- Removing people on an email trail who need to be on the email trail
- Eating food from the fridge that you did not put in the fridge
- Complaining constantly about how busy you are because HI, EVERYONE HAS THINGS TO DO. WE ARE AT WORK. THAT IS WHAT WORK IS. ACCUMULATING THINGS TO DO AND THEN FIGURING OUT HOW TO DO THE THINGS IN EXCHANGE FOR LEGAL TENDER.
Easily Irritated Union Representative