I Just Can’t Party Like I’m 15 Anymore

I’ve recently come to a startling realization: I’m boring. Call it what you want – dependable, predictable, reliable – I’m boring as shit. Gone are the days when I used to get a tattoo on a whim (a phase evidenced by my hesitation to ever go swimming with my boyfriend’s family lest they see the tokens of my wilder youth), when I would – nay, could – get wasted every night of the week and get into shenanigans of epic proportions and still make my 8 a.m. class the next day; an era when you never knew what I would do next. Now you know exactly what I’m going to do next. You probably know it before I even do. Originally I was hoping this post would somehow weave into all these reasons why I’m NOT actually boring, but in fact still super cool and awesome fun, but instead all I can think of are all the reasons why I just can’t party like I’m 15 anymore:

  • I fall asleep before midnight every Friday
  • I pay my bills the day they’re due
  • I always signal
  • My taxes were done the day I got my T4
  • I know who I’m having sex with next
  • I still play Mario, just like I did in 1994
  • My hangovers take entire weekends to get over

Is this just a natural, late-twenties state of depression that is reached when your body finally can’t keep up with the absolute shit haul you’ve just pulled it through, lined with shots and pub crawls and trysts? I mean, don’t get me wrong, as I wouldn’t trade my bf for the world, but maybe when you’ve settled into a relationship with somebody that you’re still really into, even after arguing over name brand versus store brand Sidekicks (or “Compliments” for you poor folks like us) in the aisle of a local Sobey’s while a two-year-old kid with glasses gawks on at his inevitable future of domestic bliss, you just sort of stop caring about being new and exciting? Fuck that. I’m gonna go do something crazy. Soon. Like stay up past 10 on a weeknight. HIDE YO KIDS!


  1. Ha! Just you wait, one of these days you’ll surprise the pants off yourself and do an all-night bender like the old days. What you won’t know is when something like that will ever happen again. I find I get party asshole drunk at least every 6 months (like good old Lib days). It reminds you of how young you still think you are and how old you truly are. Good times!

  2. FFUUUUU I just wrote a super long comment about frontal cortexes being responsible for problem solving and understanding consequences and not fully developing until you’re 25 but something erased it when I hit publish.

  3. It’s perfect time to make some plans for the future and it is time to be happy. I’ve read this post
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