A Checklist For Single Ladies

K. was recently celebrating her 2-year anniversary with her boyfriend who she just moved in with, while I spent the evening at home dyeing my hair with some shit I found on sale for $3.99 at the drug store. BIG THINGS POPPIN.

But the fumes it got me thinking and I realized that the only way to tell if you are truly happy being single is if you are truly happy for those who aren’t. That’s when you know you’re in the right place. If you can look at a couple, see their connection and feel their happiness. When you can appreciate the beauty in two people finding each other – even when you’re not one of those people.

But being single can also suck shit. So while those women are off finding strange hairs in the shower, gaining “I got comfortable” weight and arguing about literally fucking nothing – here’s a handy checklist of things only YOU can do, you single little minx. Use this on those cold nights when you crawl into bed with nothing but a block of cheese and your own self-doubt and remember the majestic glory that comes along with being a single woman.

The PGPT Checklist For Single Ladies

  • Watch whatever the fuck you want to watch. WHENEVER.
  • Spend the money you would have spent on a significant others’ birthday present on a present for yourself.
  • Make a bingo card of various types of people you would like to date – jazz musician, doctor, children’s book author, professional bull rider, a pastry chef (highly recommended), poet (not so recommended, but whatever… MAKE YOUR OWN MISTAKES), mediocre blogger (I’m totally free tonight) scientist, former reality TV star, etc – and then go out and find them!
  • Sleep like this:

  • Snore. Don’t give a shit when you wake up looking like a badger.
  • Share your food with…umm…yeah, WITH NO ONE.
  • Reign over the temperature of your place with an iron fist.
  • Play a drinking game by yourself. When a couple is bickering in front of you, take a drink for every time the argument completely strays from what it was originally about. Take two drinks every time you’re happy to not be involved in any way, shape, or form. Order yourself three shots of tequila the moment they awkwardly involve you like total assholes.
  • Stay out on the weekend until 4AM and instead of having to “check-in” with anyone, only check your phone to do one of three things: 1)  Drunk text someone you would like to sleep with. 2) Call a cab. 3) Order pizza.

What have I missed?

S.

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