Whatever, Married Man.

You think you can just waltz in here… all married and shit… all hot and funny and smart and stylish and sharing all of the same seemingly random but still awesome interests as me? Who the fuck do you think you are? Us ladies – yes…us ladies here, the ones you didn’t choose to bless with a legally binding promise of everlasting fidelity – would greatly appreciate it if you did what MOST married men do and take yourself down a few notches. Here are some tips on how you can do that:

  • Over pluck your eyebrows.
  • Jump on the Charlie Sheen bandwagon.
  • Wear those ugly shoes that kinda look like hiking boots but aren’t. Tie the laces very tightly.
  • Grow out your fingernails.
  • Wear a fanny pack not in an ironic way.
  • Get a tribal tattoo.

Yours truly when I close my eyes,



    1. AMAZING!!!

      You are like… a poopy blog matchmaker! (You can be proud of this, by the way.)

      You could definitely pull of a fanny pack, by the way.

      But don’t.

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