Pap Goes The Weasel

Warning: You’re (hopefully) all smart enough to know what’s coming in this post by the title alone. So if that kind of stuff (you know, the kind of stuff that all women have to go through to protect their health and in some cases save their LIVES) grosses you out, then I suggest you stop reading here and visit these other entertaining PGPT posts such as our If You Had To series.

Now! Feet in the stirrups ladies, because do I ever have a story for you.

So I go to get a pap because I’m proactive and shit but since I’m in a new city across the country, I don’t have a family doctor. I made an appointment at the women’s health clinic downtown. Safe bet, right? WRONG.

First, a disclaimer. I have no problem with male doctors or gynecologists. Really don’t. My family doctor back home was a dude for a while. All good. But when you go to an actual women’s health clinic, you’d assume that even if there WAS a male doctor practicing there – they would tell you. Give a girl a heads up or something. Shit.

So that threw me off guard right away….but like I said, all good. He was a younger Asian dude, slightly awkward and he introduced himself to me simply as “Chris.” Heads up to all you doctors out there: INTRODUCE YOURSELF AS A DOCTOR. Especially if you’re about to go elbow deep in my vagina. THANKS.

So I spend the next ten minutes talking with CHRIS about my gynecological history, since it’s my first time there. After that, he goes outside to let me disrobe and to get the obligatory female nurse to be in the room during the whole thing. I’m in that horrifyingly vulnerable position before everything gets started and it is at this precise moment that I find out my doctor is a rookie and the female nurse will actually be coaching him through this.

Now… everyone has to start somewhere right? Sure. But they didn’t even let me know that I was going to be dealing with an inexperienced doctor. The way I found out was by hearing the woman say: “Oh… I would always use a bit of lube. Makes things a little easier.”

HE WAS GOING TO USE THE SPECULUM WITHOUT ANY LUBE, YOU GUYS.

Clearly this man has never had sex, let alone performed a pap test.

So you can imagine what happens to a girl in my position at this point. You start to tense up. Your legs start to involuntarily squeeze shut like you’re workin’ with a Thighmaster. Meanwhile, the woman is telling me things like: “Relax. You really have to relax your muscles right now.”

Oh… my bad, Coach. Let me suddenly become perfectly relaxed by the fact that my vagina is being used as a classroom right now. Because THAT’S COOL. We get to the point where they check on your ovaries and all that (for our male readers: the doctor performs this part with their fingers) and it’s the woman that does it. Quick and easy. Then she stuns the hell out of me by saying: “Okay, your turn. See if you can feel the ovaries.”

So, ladies and gentlemen…. I am proud to say that although I am single and alone, today I got action from not one but TWO people. What did YOU do?

S.

6 comments

  1. Once I went to a clinic to get a pap done…it was pretty ghetto, actually. Like, the lady at the front counter was chewing gum with her mouth open and called me ‘hun’ and was kind of a bitch.
    So as I was, you know, in the stirrups and everything, and the doctor was doing his thing, the front desk lady barges in! And my vag was aimed at the door, WHICH SHE HELD OPEN to tell the doctor he had a phone call.

    Open door. Vag out.

    I was like “SHUT THE DOOR!” hah. I can laugh about it now. Sort of.

  2. Hahaha that story actually made my day!!! I just went to the sexual health clinic for the full rounds too and since I’m in a different city for school, I didn’t know what was in store.

    Firstly, lemme say that I have absolutely unfindable veins, and sometimes to get bloodwork done they stick the needle in my hand or foot veins because the arm just isn’t happening. So I tell the nurse this, and she says she used to work with babies and is used to small veins, so chillax. Anyways, 20 minutes, 8 stab wounds, and a hilarious joke on my part about my unfeasible future as a heroin addict later (which didn’t go over well for some reason… tough crowd), the nurse gives up and gets someone else to do it. BTW, during the process she said “oops, I think one of your veins collapsed” and 11 days later, I still have a fairly serious bruise in the arm-crease to prove it.

    I would say I can’t wait to get back to my hometown and see my family doctor, but the last time I went to see her, when I walked in she said, “Looks like you’ve been having some problems with your weight”. Um, I wasn’t aware, am now, thanks.

    1. “OOPS” one of your veins collapsed! TEE HEE.

      Amazing. You gotta think that it’s easy for these people to lose sight of the fact that the patients they’re working with aren’t being exposed to this stuff every day like they are… there’s gotta be sensitivity training in med school for this kinda shit…

      And problems with your weight? I’m not even going to touch that one. That’s the kind of shit that will give a woman the power to literally set things on fire just by looking at them.

      S.

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