Warning: You’re (hopefully) all smart enough to know what’s coming in this post by the title alone. So if that kind of stuff (you know, the kind of stuff that all women have to go through to protect their health and in some cases save their LIVES) grosses you out, then I suggest you stop reading here and visit these other entertaining PGPT posts such as our If You Had To series.
Now! Feet in the stirrups ladies, because do I ever have a story for you.
So I go to get a pap because I’m proactive and shit but since I’m in a new city across the country, I don’t have a family doctor. I made an appointment at the women’s health clinic downtown. Safe bet, right? WRONG.
First, a disclaimer. I have no problem with male doctors or gynecologists. Really don’t. My family doctor back home was a dude for a while. All good. But when you go to an actual women’s health clinic, you’d assume that even if there WAS a male doctor practicing there – they would tell you. Give a girl a heads up or something. Shit.
So that threw me off guard right away….but like I said, all good. He was a younger Asian dude, slightly awkward and he introduced himself to me simply as “Chris.” Heads up to all you doctors out there: INTRODUCE YOURSELF AS A DOCTOR. Especially if you’re about to go elbow deep in my vagina. THANKS.
So I spend the next ten minutes talking with CHRIS about my gynecological history, since it’s my first time there. After that, he goes outside to let me disrobe and to get the obligatory female nurse to be in the room during the whole thing. I’m in that horrifyingly vulnerable position before everything gets started and it is at this precise moment that I find out my doctor is a rookie and the female nurse will actually be coaching him through this.
Now… everyone has to start somewhere right? Sure. But they didn’t even let me know that I was going to be dealing with an inexperienced doctor. The way I found out was by hearing the woman say: “Oh… I would always use a bit of lube. Makes things a little easier.”
HE WAS GOING TO USE THE SPECULUM WITHOUT ANY LUBE, YOU GUYS.
Clearly this man has never had sex, let alone performed a pap test.
So you can imagine what happens to a girl in my position at this point. You start to tense up. Your legs start to involuntarily squeeze shut like you’re workin’ with a Thighmaster. Meanwhile, the woman is telling me things like: “Relax. You really have to relax your muscles right now.”
Oh… my bad, Coach. Let me suddenly become perfectly relaxed by the fact that my vagina is being used as a classroom right now. Because THAT’S COOL. We get to the point where they check on your ovaries and all that (for our male readers: the doctor performs this part with their fingers) and it’s the woman that does it. Quick and easy. Then she stuns the hell out of me by saying: “Okay, your turn. See if you can feel the ovaries.”
So, ladies and gentlemen…. I am proud to say that although I am single and alone, today I got action from not one but TWO people. What did YOU do?