Jillian Michaels Is Ruining My Life.

“Being chubby is for chumps.”- My New Year’s Resolution. Followed by: “Stop waking up with fake eyelash glue on areas of your face other than your eyelids.” – Don’t ask.

Enter: The Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred. Why? Because I’ve watched The Biggest Loser and if she can make morbidly-obese people skinny over the course of a television season then she can obviously make me a supermodel in 30 days. Let’s shred!

Fuck, this sucks. The entire workout consists of the most BASIC fucking exercises, which is great because you don’t need any fancy equipment (just a pair of 3lb weights, a living room and a roommate you can sucker into doing it with you). It consists of three circuits that all include cardio, strength and abs. Basic shit here people – like squats, situps and pushups. The bad thing about this workout being so basic is that none of my previous excuses for working out half-assed work anymore:

  • “Oh I can’t do this, I don’t have a stability-expander-elliptical-medicine-ball. Sorry. I’ll be over here, by the vending machine.”
  • “My advanced-Pilates-plyometrics-cross-trainer said that this version of the Squatting Duck Back Bend Reflexation is actually bad for your femur, so I’m going to sit this one out. It’s just a difference in philosophy, really.”

It’s a push up. You literally lower yourself to the ground and then push back up. All you need is two arms and gravity, bitch.

Have you ever felt both of your ass cheeks with such alarming clarity that you became convinced every step was sure to result in them EXPLODING OUT OF YOUR PANTS?

Ever had issues feeding yourself food like a functioning adult because your arms were shaking to the point you looked like Michael J. Fox trying to do anything? (OH MY GOD, MICHAEL, I’M SORRY, I LOVE YOU, THE JOKE JUST CAME OUT.)

That’s where I’m at right now. A disgusting reminder of how out of shape I really am. Basic exercises that people have been doing since the beginning of time are turning me into a sweaty, wheezing mess in 20 minutes. Oh. Did I fail to mention this workout IS ONLY 20 MINUTES LONG?

What I thought working out with Jillian Michaels would be like.

What working out with Jillian Michaels is actually like.

I’m on Day 3 (laugh it up). Hopefully by Day 6 or 7 I’ll start to build up some endurance and stop being such a pansy. At least that’s what Jillian tells me. But for now, this is me and Jilly Bean spending our evenings together:

BFFs 4 LiFe

Yours in lard,




  1. Oh man, I did this back in August/September. That one exercise where you have to lunge to the side and lift the weights straight out in front of you? Yeah, that one still gets me. But that silly Shred is EFFECTIVE. Just be prepared to cry after the first day of level 2. And the first three days of level 3. Ouch. Helpful hint though? Take a day off every now and then. Don’t go 30 days straight. That’s just straight insane. Good luck!!!

    1. AHHH that side lunge is the WORST! (Funny fact: I just typed “lunch” instead of “lunge” – shows you where my head is at.)

      I can’t even think about Level 2 right now. We took a couple days off after the very first day simply because we HAD to. We couldn’t move. It just makes sense to me to take a day off to let your muscles re-gain their strength but what do I know. I’m just the lame-o working out at home.

      1. I miss going to the gym with you. Talking by the weights and then going for a beer just isn’t the same alone.

  2. I am really impressed with your writing skills as well as with the layout on
    your weblog. Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself?
    Anyway keep up the nice quality writing, it is rare to see a
    nice blog like this one today.

  3. I seriously love your site.. Very nice colors & theme.

    Did you develop this amazing site yourself? Please reply back as I’m
    trying to create my own personal site and want to learn where you got this from or exactly what the theme is named.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s