The Irrational Fears of Living in a New City

I just moved across the country, to the largest city in Canada. There’s a lot of good that comes with this:

  • More places to eat
  • More shit to do
  • Better career opportunities
  • The excitement of looking around and not recognizing anything or anyone
  • Better concerts and events

Of course, since I’m wildly neurotic, along with this move comes an entirely new set of irrational fears and phobias. For example:

I’m scared that someone is going to push me onto the subway tracks.
The subway is scary enough: it’s all underground, so I have no fucking idea if I’m getting on the right one because there’s no visual landmarks and I don’t know my directions very well; it gets horrifyingly busy during rush hour and you have to literally fist fight your way on and off; and people do weird shit on the subway like clip their nails and fondle strangers. But this actually HAPPENED! And it happened recently. AND – it happened at the subway station directly after the one closest to my place. This crazy old man push two teenagers off the platform right as the train was coming. FOR NO REASON. So….irrational fear? YOU TELL ME.

I think pigeons are secretly plotting to take over the world and this city is their hub of conspiracy and evil.
So…..yeah, I might have a debilitating fear of birds. That’s not the point. The important thing to realize here is that these downtown pigeons don’t give a fuck. About anything. Eating anything they can get their hands beaks on? YUP. Your personal space? Fuck it. The natural hierarchy in nature that puts us humans above them? IRRELEVANT. These pigeons walk around as if they have developed opposable thumbs and evolutionary prestige. You ever looked a pigeon in the eye? Don’t.

I fear that my friends are moving on without me and/or replacing me.
Thanks to Facebook, I’m still intricately tied into the day-to-day lives of my loved ones. In theory, this is a good thing. But in reality, I’m looking at all their events, pictures and wall posts with the paralyzing fear that I am missing the best moments EVER. I know exactly how this will play out too. I’ll be browsing their pictures one day and notice an ethnic-looking brunette chick in the background that I’ve never seen before. And I’ll be all like “Who is that?” and they’ll be all like: “Oh that’s no one, she was just someone’s girlfriend.” And then the next weekend I’ll look and she’ll be posing in the group pictures with them and I’ll be all like: “Wait, so she’s going out with you guys now?” and they’ll be all like: “What? No she only came out with us because her boyfriend was out of town.” And then all of a sudden I’ll see a photo album titled: “GIRLS TRIP TO THE MOUNTAINS!!!!!” and it will be full of pictures of them laughing and hugging with captions like: “OMG Karen how did we ever live without you!” and “Look at our hair! Karen did it for us because Karen can do hair and other valuable shit.” And then Christmas will come and Karen will be a bridesmaid and I won’t even be invited to the wedding. FUCK YOU KAREN. You’re a bitch.



  1. A) Hilarious.
    B) I’ll totally be writing a reply when I move (although saying that I’ve moved to the third largest city in Alberta seems not as effective as being able to say the largest city in Canada, but WHATEVER)
    C) You will never be replaced by a girl named Karen … clearly we will have thought of a cooler nickname for her by then 😉

  2. Mahahaha! Oh S. I miss you already. You can’t be replaced. Trust. Will spam you often just to remind you how annoying I was when we were in school.

    Heart you, be safe, kick a pigeon for me.


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