The 4 Stages of My Ravenous Hunger

You know what I hate? Bikini’s.

Mind you, Bikini’s have never really given me a reason to hate them. It’s not Bikini’s fault that I have poutine with bacon for breakfast:

Bikini didn’t make me warm up that cheese bun for breakfast when I had already eaten a leftover waffle and Baybel cheese.

It’s not you, Bikini. It’s me.

So I’ve decided to try and make this summer the very first one in my 25 years on the planet in which I do not have nightmares about an evil Bikini with teeth ferociously attacking me like I owe it money.

I’ve started eating healthy. I mean like…actually healthy. Spinach with a few ounces of lean protein and some blueberries for “dessert” kinda healthy.

Here are the stages of hunger I have been going through:

1 – Mild hankering for something snacky. I could go for an apple, handful of pretzels or some veggies and hummus. You know, snacks that distract you from your approaching hunger without making you feel like Roseanne on a bad day.

2 – Counting down the minutes to lunch hungry. This seems to be happening earlier now that I’m eating better, which doesn’t make ANY SENSE AT ALL because healthy foods are supposed to make you feel full longer. So why am I ready to hump a vending machine at 10:32 A.M in the hopes that something will come loose and fall down for the taking?

3 – If I don’t eat within the next 10 minutes, shit is going to get real. This is the point where my co-workers start to taunt me with various sweet and salty snacks. Yesterday they put a box of Smarties on my keyboard and just left them there. Left them there for me to pick up, smell the box and then chuck it at their face. Today, the student I hired (we’ll just call her Student) got a piece of pizza for lunch and I almost choked the bitch out. SHIT IS GETTING REAL.

4 –

This is blank for a reason.

I black out.

Am I foraging through everyone’s leftovers in the fridge? Perhaps. Have I committed homicide with gravy all over my face? Maybe.

Am I satisfied, though?

Hell.

Yes.

S.

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