I went out for dinner with my family a few weeks ago.
The first awkward thing to note here, is that my definition of family is composed of the following people:
- Myself, full of awesome.
- My 18 year old brother, also full of awesome.
- My hilarious mother.
- Her boyfriend of about 5 years, D. He drives a dragster, wears Hawaiian shirts, eats bread with nothing but sandwich spread on it as a snack, and loves to watch COPS. Get the picture?
- My father, who dominates any and every conversation he is involved in.
- His ex wife who he is now dating again; a petite and meek blonde woman who is essentially the exact opposite of my mother.
So that’s my crew. We all love wine, too. Except for D. who drinks nothing but strawberry milk and tequila paralyzers (surprised?).
We’re at a nice restaurant and our server is your typical blend of cheery and talkative. Everything is going relatively fine until she starts sharing an alarming amount of personal information with us. In about six minutes, here is what we learned about our server:
- Her mom recently got divorced from her dad.
- Her mom lost her virginity to her dad and she doesn’t think that she’ll ever date again.
- It has affected the way she know perceives relationships.
- Growing up in a small town has caused her to rebel a bit here in the big city.
The entire time she was talking, I couldn’t make eye contact with my brother. The look on his face was unbelievable, especially considering the fact that she had been blatantly flirting with him all night.
We were all super uncomfortable, yet we still tipped her well. Being a server myself, this has led me to believe that this technique must be fool proof. So the next time I work, I’m going to tell every table I have about my relationship ending, my tendency towards getting rashes and the way I find it hilarious when my pee smells like asparagus.
I GOT MY MIND ON MY MONEY AND MY MONEY ON MY MINNNNND!