Uncomfortably Awesome

There’s nothing funnier to me than making people feel ridiculously uncomfortable. Even if that person is me. Here are some recent real life examples:

______________________

My boyfriend: It sucks that I have to spend my birthday alone this year.

Me: Totally. Maybe you should get a hooker.

My boyfriend: (silence)

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K.: (arrives at my house) OMG your dog is seriously so fucking cute. How fucking cute are you! Look at you. So me and E. were supposed to go get your birthday present together. But she got the dates fucked up and thought it was next Saturday. But that’s my work party, so I was like no – FUCK that. There is no fucking way I said I could do it next Saturday.  Anyways, want to know what we’re getting you for your birthday?

Me: Obviously, yes.

K.: A VIBRATOR!

Me: My mom has been sitting directly behind you since you got here.

K.: (silence)

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Totally unrelated, but if I ever wake up humming the Folgers theme song like they do in the latest commercial – shoot me. In the stomach, so I don’t die right away and can really think about what I’ve turned into. I don’t know why I’m saying this as if I’m ever going to wake up next to any of you, but stranger things have happened. Specifically in college.

S.

3 comments

  1. True story. I really, really wish you had told me she was there. She could have been hurt by one of those f-bombs I was droppin’!

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