Things I Don’t Do, That Everyone Else Does

Swim. Okay, if you threw me in the deep tank at a public pool, I could probably doggy paddle my way to the edge of the pool and hold on for dear life until the pimply, 17 year old lifeguard pulled me out. But if fell off a boat in the middle of a lake with no life jacket? Forget about it. I remember one time getting dumped down into a pool from a water slide, and straight up panicking, thinking I would never make it to the top of the water. I also bruised two ribs on a water slide once…it was like getting a big, wet, aquatic spanking.

Watch “The Hills.” If I wouldn’t be friends with you in real life, and you definitely wouldn’t want to be friends with me, why would I want to watch you just… There’s really not a lot I can say about this show because I’ve literally never seen more than the first 3.5 seconds of a promo for it, besides the fact that I want to kill Spencer and Heidi by poisoning them with nothing but farts, continuously, over a period of weeks (or however long it would take). Every season this show turns all of my smart, sassy, independent and funny girlfriends into giggling followers of a poorly scripted cult. Viva la revolution, you prissy bitches.

MySpace. Not saying I’ve never had a MySpace account, I have. But once everyone on MySpace became a singer, rapper, model, penis enlargement supplier and mastered the fine art of designing their own seizure-inducing profiles, I dipped. And quite frankly, I don’t think I’m missing a thing.

Fart. At least not around any other living person. I was out partying in Banff with some friends one time and this came up in conversation with a guy (don’t ask how). He was so adamant that I was lying, that we made a long distance phone call to my mother who, indeed, confirmed that the last time I farted around her she was cleaning the diaper I had recently finished poopin’.

Wear Band-Aids. I’ve got this really sexy adhesive allergy. Only thing hotter is probably the mouth guard I have to wear at night to keep from grinding my teeth.

Skinny jeans. My fellow women with thighs and ass – you should maybe consider this as well. They are fantastic for tucking into boots…but when you pair them with tiny little Chinese slippers you look like a platypus. Nothing wrong with slim fitting, straight leg or boot cut jeans. Why we gotta taper though?!

*Bonus entry: Gladiator sandals. Especially over top of skinny jeans. GTFOH!

claw toes

claw toes



  1. This is all true. However, gotta stand up for the gladiator sandals. I love them! NEVER OVER JEANS THOUGH. Especially skinny jeans. while they make you look like a platypus, they make me look like a top heavy ice cream cone. Heaven forbid they be tanned and I’m wearing a vanilla-white top …

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