What really grinds my gears

peter

Because blogs are nothing but giant, invisible soapboxes – I shall stand on mine and scream from the depths of my cynical soul. Because I have a blog – SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY! </Wedding Singer>

I hate it when people say “bevvies.” As in, beverages. Ooooh let’s go down to a pub and have a few bevvies. No, you asshole, we’re going to have a drink. Just say it. Why unnecessarily shorten something up to one syllable when there is a perfectly good one syllable word that already exists to get your point across? This is why I’ll give the term “appies” a pass. Because appetizer is a long ass word and the only substitute for it would be hors d’oeuvres, which just makes you sound like a jerk trying to be fancy. Another reason for my hate for “bevvies” might be because I have a lovely aunt named Bev who doesn’t deserve to have her name transformed into some cheesy abbreviation, thankyouverymuch.

You know what else really grinds my gears?! When the media reports on Internet trends. Do your fucking job, and report the news. If it’s a slow news day, make a collection of the most bizarre stories from around the world, or feature some amazing photographs…..shit, better yet – give some attention to the thousands of press releases you receive every day from hard working PR people like myself, even if it’s a blatant hook for free publicity. Reporting on the fact that Internet trends and memes like “All your base are belong to us,” LOLcats, the bacon craze or the social intricacies of Facebook not only makes you seem desperate for a story, but it completely renders the meme mainstream – therefore diluting its popularity immediately. Which means that by the time you’ve published your story, it’s old news. Because then all the middle-aged corporate people at your job start forwarding you funny pictures of their own cats, saying things like “he can haz cheeseburger!”  It’s like having your Dad say things like “fo shizzle” and make weird hand gestures to show that he’s “down” in front of your friends. Frightening, forced and fucking awkward.

(Unrelated bonus: Check out this amazing, comprehensive timeline of Internet memes)

I can’t stand yellow cars. I feel like buying a yellow car is equivalent to getting a tribal tattoo on your bicep. When you first do it, you think you’re the man. But less than a year later, you realize you hate yourself.

If you’re waiting for an elevator, would it not strike you that perhaps – PERHAPS – somebody else might  be on this very same elevator, heading to wherever you are? Seems incredibly realistic, no? So then why do you try and CHARGE onto the elevator the minute the doors crack open as if you’re absolutely gatdamn positive nobody is going to be exiting it?! I know, I know….you’re twice, even thrice, as important as me but just put your day on hold for quite literally LESS THAN TWO SECONDS and let the other people get off the elevator and begin walking. Then it’s all yours. Have fun with the stinky fart I left in there for you, asshole.

And that’s what really grinds my gears! Today.

S.

6 comments

  1. Oh, and to add on to the elevator thing:

    You wanna know what grinds my gears? You get to the elevator, and press the button. Then another person comes over and presses the same button you pressed repeatedly. Like – bitch, it already knows it has to come to this floor! You think it’s gonna come any quicker just because you’re standing there jamming on the goddamn button? You think you’re better than me? HUH???

  2. Yes. I too, share your hatred for this idiocy. Honestly, the power of elevators is amazing. It can turn the best of friends into awkward strangers and can turn the nicest person into a complete douchebag.

    That’s right – I SEE YOU, seeing ME, walking towards the elevator as the doors are closing and you just can’t be bothered to push the “open door” button, can you?

  3. I also hate the word “bevvies.” Please, just start wearing J.Crew sweaters and loafers with no socks. That will signify your douche-bagginess without us having to listen to your shit.

  4. Okay, sorry to belabor the elevator issue, but I got some more stuff.

    What about people who jam on the close door button BEFORE you even get exit? Are you in THAT much of a hurry, or do you just want to see the door slam into me?

    Another thing: people who use elevators to only go up or down one floor. Now I can understand this if there’s no stairwell, you have trouble walking or are morbidly obese (although in that case a walk wouldn’t hurt), but why hell are you so damn lazy? You can’t walk ONE floor? Do you suffer from bathmophobia (look it up!)?!

    Ya know, I think the issue here isn’t people in elevators … I think we may actually hate elevators themselves!

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