Hot or Not

We’ve all been there at least once.

We officially hate our hair, we can’t do “anything” with it and we’re convinced that guys actually give a shit. Our clothes, once shiny and beautiful and worn every day for two weeks straight, are now hideous, make us look fat, and why the hell did we buy it again? Plus, we’re totally retaining. Sigh, we will never be loved.

If you feel like this, or have ever felt like this – CALM. DOWN.

I know from some very reliable sources, the sources privy to after becoming the “you’re like my sister and you might as well have a dick, but hey, if you weren’t so cool I’d totally try to get with you” friends that I’ve acquired over the years due to a love of hockey, beer and giggling at fart jokes, that the following categories make a girl “hot” or “not.” It is so simple it hurts.

Hot: Not fat.
There is no “chubby” or “bulky.” There is fat, and there is not fat. You’re one or the other, end of story. So please, PLEASE get over that seven ounces you gained last week and recognize that dudes go for a girl who looks like she’ll order her own damn fries. That being said, maybe think twice about super-sizing them (just sayin’.)

Hot: Showers.
 There is clean and dirty. Your clothes are from within the last two years, cool. No holes, no stains, your hair smells nice. Done. If you want a guy who can tell that you’re wearing next seasons Pradas or knows that the new “it” thing is bold colours and truly appreciates that $500 purse, get ready to lend them to him.

Not: Being a bitch.
Don’t be a bitch. Unless you want guys to forget who you are the morning after, that is. Smile, make eye contact, be yourself. At the very least, don’t try to be a bitch because you think they like that. They don’t. Who the fuck would.

Hot: She ain’t got shit on me (and yes, pun intended)
Remember that pretty girls poop too. We all on the same playing field here ladies, and that extension-wearing, overtanned Lauren Conrad-looking thing who is getting all the attention did a double-flush in the bathroom 20 minutes ago. And is scared it still smells.

So, I hope that the wisdom I have come across from being one of the boys and watching girls come and go, and even stick around for a bit, proves helpful. Now stop hating yourself and get the fuck over it you losers.

I’m out.


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