Status update: Pooped.

Facebook is bringing me too close to people I don’t care about. I regularly do a widespread sweep, deleting “friends” I haven’t spoken to in over a decade and randoms that I haven’t spoken to ever, but I’m still subjected to constant status updates of people I barely know.

Anyways, I’ve been noticing a disturbing trend in status updates. Some people may put a bland update up there every once in a while…

Nancy is excited for the weekend!
John is loving his new guitar.

Or they’ll put up a witty lyric from a song that somewhat relates to what’s happening in their life (this is totally me, btw)…

Tonya says to the left, to the left…everything you own in a box to the left. ASS.
Kevin has a fetish for weed, women and grapes and I like ’em all seedless!

But then every once in a while I’ll see a status update that really, really fucking puzzles me. And I’m pretty sure the ability to update your status using Facebook Mobile is the catalyst for this shit. The following status updates are not made up by me, as the previous ones were. These are actual updates from my Facebook “friends” who shall remain nameless (mostly because I can’t remember their names).

  • Example 1: Random homeboy….just got a fucking speeding ticket! Shit! (4 minutes ago via Facebook Mobile)

Really? Four minutes ago you just got a speeding ticket? That means you’re either sitting in your car waiting for the cop to write up your ticket, in which case you should be cussing out yourself for being stupid, wondering what you’re going to pawn to pay the fine, calling work to tell them why you’re going to be late, or basically doing anything else besides logging onto freaking Facebook! Or, you’re done getting the ticket and you’re driving again, in which case you should be getting another god damn ticket for being on Facebook while driving.

  • Example 2: Random homegirl…just got some sad, sad news. (15 minutes ago)

So instead of confiding in friends or family, having a real good UGLY cry, or trying to forget about it by climbing into a hot bath with a bottle of vodka…you log onto Facebook and immediately change your status so that every one of your 672 close friends are aware that you need an e-hug? Broad, please!

Anyways, I complain…but in a bizarre, voyeuristic way I love it because it allows me to be nosey and know about everything that’s going on without having to be engaged in trivial, boring conversation with you. And the reality is that people like me are only allowed to creep through as much of your life as you put on display for the world to see. So don’t get mad at me when I know about the complications of your pregnancy and you can only see my display picture.


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